Shedding It

Yeah. The title kind of sums it all up. I had a REALLY bad weekend as far as WW and working out goes. In fact, I didn’t track any points Saturday or Sunday. And I just kind of ate whatever I wanted. So much for motivation stemming from my last post! It was almost like I had given up. In fact, I had. I had completely given up, not even a month into this. And then I got on the scale this morning…

I knew there was no way I’d lost weight even before I stepped on the scale. In fact, I had already fully prepared myself for the very likely possibility that I had gained back the 3 pounds I had lost. So, I was somewhat surprised when I weighed in at 181.4. Exactly the same as I had weighed in last Monday!! And I was so happy that I had stayed the same, and then the happiness faded, and I was sad. Sad that I had put myself in the position to not just accept no change in my weight, but to welcome it. I’m never going to lose the weight I want to lose if I’m willing to be happy with simply not gaining.

So, I did what I said I wasn’t going to do. I found a bikini on Victoria’s Secret’s webside that I love, but would never wear at my current weight (in fact, at my current weight, I won’t put on a bathing suit of any kind whatsoever!) and I made it my background on my phone. And at first I felt exactly how I thought I would, a little saddened that this was all about “looking good enough”.

But it’s not. That’s not it at all. It’s about feeling good enough. And not good enough for anyone else, but good enough for myself. I don’t refrain from wearing bathingsuits because anyone ever said anything to me or made fun of my weight. I don’t wear them because I hate the way I look in them. They just show all the things I hate about my body, and all the unhealthy things about how I’ve lived my life over the last few years. And so, wanting to lose enough weight that I’d feel comfortable wearing the bikini isn’t about how I look in it after all. It’s about how I feel in it. How I feel about myself. It’s about getting to a point that I love myself again. A point where I’m a positive person, and a healthy person. A person that doesn’t get winded just walking up a flight of stairs, who’s back doesn’t hurt all the time because of a lack of core strength, and who doesn’t make themselves feel bad by trying on 20 outfits just to find something I feel “okay” in.

And you know what? It’s liberating. Realizing this. It’s completely freeing to finally get “it”. To get that it was never about my friends, or my family, or my husband, or the random strangers I always think are judging me. It’s about me, and only me. I can let go of the worry that, if I had a set-back like I did this weekend, that I’m letting anyone but myself down. Because I don’t care what they think anymore.

And so, I’m ready to move forward. I’m ready to have a good week, and to see a smaller number on that scale next Monday!